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| what a week.
it's amazing what can happen in such a short amount of time. this week i became convinced that the direction i was headed was nursing school... nursing school? what the heck? never EVER thought about doing that before. so i came up with this whole plan of how i'd graduate late and get all my prereqs out of the way, go to twu and get a second bachelor's and be a nurse. and then i had one discouraging conversation, realized that my life has no direction and that nursing isn't for me, cried about that for a while, looked at jobs online and realized that a ba in psychology qualifies me for nothing except more school, prayed for a while, and remembered that my life really does have direction, i've wanted to be a christian counselor for a way long time. all of this in about the span of one hour yesterday afternoon.
now is the time for "graduation is less than a year away, what the heck am i gonna do with my life" crisis mode full on panic. but God is so so faithful. in all of this, during that one hour, i realized that there are great things planned for me, and every little thing that has happened since high school has been pushing me toward this goal. everyone's speculating right now, there's a new idea every day coming at me from somewhere about what i should do, but i am grateful to the Lord because the decisions aren't anyone else's business but His. i am at peace, i will graduate one year from now, and then do something else. who knows, He does, and that's enough.
char. | | |
| God, give us love in the time that we have...
so... i haven't updated my xanga for more than one full month. sorry.
so much has happened this semester but mostly all i feel is tired. i want to be able to sit back and reflect and digest but every time i either get busy or fall asleep. i'm tired of backstabbing, fake friends, classes, never having enough money, complaining but not complimenting, not talking to my parents about anything, disappointments. i'm just tired. this is probably more the result of the last few days than the semester as a whole... it's just hard to find out here at the end that everything you've been doing has been picked apart and hated. it's not christlike and i'm sick of it.
definitely encouraged by pastor neil this morning... there are incentives for the things i do here. my vision is too short, my heart to hard, to see where God is glorified in the midst of all this. but it's here where i'm discovering true friends who recognize where i am and are right there with me walking through the same frustrations. no service done unto the Lord goes unrewarded... and i guess i'm glad that i've realized that my reward is most definitely not here, if anything this is my punishment for... who knows. i've tried, God knows my heart, He is doing things i can't see and though i'm painfully aware of my imperfection, i know that this is nothing but another step toward the goal of holiness.
for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way , just as we are- yet was without sin. -hebrews 4:15
charlotte | | |
| don't... be... bitter...
Lord this is a hard one!
oh last week You showed me that You have something
SO MUCH BETTER
in store!
how come I'M the one
who had to be obedient...
it's ok.
i will be content.
You can make me content.
big big test happening!
only You can guide my steps.
it's too hard to even be vague about it. later.
char | | |
| look, ahead at the road, you can't see a thing, maybe we'll make it before it's too late, there is no time to wait... white days like this i'll never miss, they only come once a year, they only come once a year...
it's amazing how anniversaries and milestones
make you feel like you've accomplished something
like somehow now there's supposed to be closure
even though oftentimes whatever "it" is
hasn't even ended yet
and that's why you're celebrating
but you haven't arrived or anything
"alright, we made it seven years
that was my goal
it's time to move on"
why are anniversaries a big deal?
i woke up this morning knowing full well
that today is march 12
the date i made a note of in my Bible
five years ago.
right now it's in the running for weirdest day of the month
do you know who i saw today?
phillip. as in the assistant manager from family christian store
waaaay the heck back in time.
i knew exactly who he was
i remembered his wife and his son
i saw him working at the wells fargo branch in tom thumb
i was making a deposit
jaime was there too
she had worked with me back at family
i remembered her daughter.
she didn't see me though
but i know that phillip knew who i was
because he saw my name on the deposit slip
i knew he knew exactly who i was
and i knew that he knew i knew exactly who he was
we were both fully aware that the other knew everything
and didn't say a word about it
mercifully...
it was good enough to know that he knew
and later when he saw ryan
he said "you'll never guess who came in today"
it's so weird that people i knew five years ago
and haven't talked to since
are still close friends
still work together daily
it's weird but it's nice
it makes me wonder... is joey still around?
is ryan married now?
how old is phillip's kid?
how old is jaime's kid?
they impacted my life so much.
just a baby Christian
suddenly working around Christians everyday
from so many different walks and backgrounds
i'm grateful.
i'm not sure where i'd be if God had not placed me there
four and a half years ago.
goodness i'm getting old.
love,
char.
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| just wanted to share this...
going to heaven!
i don't know when,
pray do not ask me how,-
indeed, i'm too astonished
to think of answering you!
going to heaven!-
how dim it sounds!
and yet it will be done
as sure as flocks go home at night
unto the shepherd's arm!
perhaps you're going too!
who knows?
if you should get there first,
save just a little place for me
close to the two i lost!
the smallest "robe" will fit me,
and just a bit of "crown";
for you know we do not mind our dress
when we are going home.
i'm glad i don't believe it,
for it would stop my breath,
and i'd like to look a little more
at such a curious earth!
i am glad they did believe it
whom i have never found
since the mighty autumn afternoon
i left them in the ground.
-emily dickinson
chaylo. | | |
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